The Marvelous Crumb

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The one thing I’m wishing for this birthday

Birthday Ice Cream

Chicory Pecan and Rose Matcha Marshmallow from my favorite ice cream shop in the world — so far.

 

I’m not one of those gals who keeps her birthday a secret for fear of disclosing her true age. I AM 35!!! And I worked for most of those years.

That’s:
630 birthday cake candles blown
50ish trips to the dentist
4 cavities filled
29,260 hours dreamt
7 favorite books discovered
3 significant loves lost
4 grandparents passed
3 unforgettable meals
5 meditation retreats
4 out-of-country vacations
4 out-of-state moves
2 advanced degrees
Hundreds of articles written
1 career change
1 blog launch
and
Countless tears shed in joy and pain

Whew!

Something about 35 feels serious. Schwoomp, I’ve landed. It’s time to get to work – to seriously consider the things I’ve dreamed of accomplishing in this life. Write a book? Teach dance? Save money for a dream? With this birthday I’m asking myself to get clear on my purpose and begin.

I see that most of my life I’ve been waiting. I’ve waited to be asked to the dance, invited in, shown the way, told it’s finally ok. It’s as if I’ve been holding out for some giant, kind hand to nudge me along my path, cushion my falls and pat my head after long and discouraging days. This hand’s touch is gentle, strong and sure. When I don’t know, it knows. It never wavers. I’ve patiently assured myself it would soon arrive.

It hasn’t.

In this limbo, I’ve been unable to truly leap. If things go south, who will cushion the cold, swift fall to reality’s glistening pavement?

With 35, I’ve decided, fuck it! I must be my own big, kind hand, pat my own head (I actually do this), and if things go splat, bandage my own wounds. Though loving friends surround me, I’ve never felt more alone.

So, the one thing I wish for this birthday is the courage to forge ahead anyway, loneliness and all. This effort cannot be underestimated. My friends, it’s so much easier to dream in limbo land. My longing for my “person,” my hand, my green light will not be subdued. I am human, after all. But I wish for this desire to coexist and share equal weight with the belief that really, I can take care of myself. Giddy up!

Support this journey by helping me blow out the candles and dance, sing and sigh this Saturday.

Xo,
KB

 

6 Comments

  1. Happy birthday, Kelsey, and I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. Good for doing it at 35 not 55 (like me!). The biggest thing, I think is to say, F**k the fear! I think it’s the fear of making the wrong choice that keeps me — still — at 73! — hesitating, not making any choice at all.
    We have to be like the fool in the tarot deck, willing to step out over the abyss, trusting that the ground will come up to meet us — as it usually does!

    • Kelsey

      September 29, 2016 at 3:52 pm

      Thanks Pwll! You’re always so encouraging. I like this idea of trusting the ground, rather than fearing it. xo!

  2. Happy, Happy Birthday!! I am so glad you were born and that you made the most recent out of state move to California.

  3. Happy birthday, friend. A pat on the head and gentle nudge from your biz back home. I love you and wish you a soft landing as leap off the ledge of limboland.

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