The Marvelous Crumb

Follow Joy. Find Belonging.

Hello, heartbreak

me

This week I returned from 30 days of volunteering at a meditation retreat in the Rockies.

What happened?

I cried.

At times it felt that my heart was replaced by an insatiable hole.

I imagined packing my bags and leaving not long after I arrived.

This was not the blissful, om shanti, cucumber water, chenille-robe getaway that people seem to imagine with the words, “meditation retreat.” It was a kick-your-ass, look-at-your-shit, wanna-be-anywhere-else marathon.

My favorite illusions shattered. You know, the ones that seem to make life worth living: “Maybe he’s the one.” “We’ll have all the things.” “The places we’ll go!” “I’m finally done being alone.”

Under the weight of reality they crumbled like torched Hershey Kisses. No manner of creative negotiating supported their reformation. I tried, oh, how I tried–carefully corralling the dust before it took flight in the frigid air. With snot and tears I pasted these dreams back into shape, but they never tasted the same mixed with the sadness of my new knowing.

Right behind the illusions, waiting to pounce like hungry lions were fears: “I’m not loveable.” “There’s something wrong with me.” “Maybe if I were prettier.” “I will be alone forever … ”

Some nights my “alone” was so palpable its aching hungry hollow would not allow for sleep. I wrestled with it. I hated it. I begged to stop feeling. My only salvation was acceptance, to dive head first into the vast sea of yearning and ride those waves.

Still, I wanted something else every minute of every day. I wanted to be held, understood, accepted and loved, and I wanted it from someone who was NOT me.

When it all became too much, my morphine was movement. In my room I danced to Beyonce, Kendrick Lamar and Lil’ Wayne. I sang, and I didn’t care who might hear in this place of silence. I rolled on the ground. I twirled and slapped my ass. I felt sexy.

And, I ate A LOT of chocolate.

Eager for the hugging fog of home and an understanding ear, I counted the days until departure.

Even with the hardships I wondered, would it be difficult to leave? I’d made friends. We’d shared laughs. I’d adopted new routines.

It was not hard.

For all the tears I shed not one fell while driving away in a loaded down pick up with two thankfully chatty new friends. It was relief with each passing mile.

Was it worth it? Would I do it again? Did I learn anything?

Remarkably, yes.

Beyond the heartbreak the phenomenal world offered magic and perspective.

On clear evenings the stars sprinkled across the sky like granules from an overturned saltshaker, so  dazzling one could not be troubled to find constellations.

Snow fell like popcorn balls and pillow-fight feathers. Teeny flakes found their way to my scarves and lashes, and I marveled at the unique perfection of each one.

Cold and juniper crawled up my pants and down my boots as I waded through banks to climb to the tops of things and triumphantly look down.

Sure, I wish events that transpired had not. I wish I could report on an entirely different transformative experience, but what I didn’t want was perhaps exactly what I needed. Thank you, Mick Jagger.

My 30 days of isolation, loss and loneliness lead me to myself. I was all I had. I met the me who can feel “incomplete,” “not enough,” and “unattractive” and not conspire to make those shameful feelings go away. This me is kind, understanding and gently reminds me, “it’s human to feel this way sometimes. Feel it fully and remember it’s all malarkey.”

I saw how fiercely I can love. How I can hang with myself in the sad, dark uncomfortable places and not be afraid. The retreat led me to my own warm embrace. How strong and nurturing I can be—how truly not alone.

 

19 Comments

  1. So beautiful! I’m in love!

  2. I’m glad your back! I missed the posts 🙂

    BC

    Sent from my iPad

    >

  3. Love love love this. You are a writer. Keep doing and living and it all will emerge and coalesce into greatness.

  4. Our talks are always remind me what’s important. Thank you for reading and supporting. Back at ya!

  5. torched Hershey Kisses…great image. Glad you made it out alive 🙂

  6. amazing, Kelsey. thanks for sharing your heartbreak.

  7. Such gorgeous descriptions, keep on writing beautiful! I watched this video recently and the girl in the yellow cardigan reminded me of you when you dance, so free, liberated and full of power: http://youtu.be/IIA1XQnAv5s.

  8. I so get this. I am suffering as a mom with a kid almost leaving, and in many ways already gone. Thought I might die at least three times this week. Then it passed. Then it came back. I’m still amazed at how blinded I can be by the pain of This Moment. Then This Moment is different. Then pain is back. Not realizing I will survive and something else will take its place. Often a beautiful something. And often within minutes. Meditation really does help. And it’s so hard! Especially on those retreats. I smiled reading this.

    I love your honesty and writing. The only thing I DON’T get is your fear of not being attractive enough. OMG you’re one of the hottest, funnest, deepest, smartest people I’ve met. (OK, I do get the fear, but it still amazes me when people who are so attractive don’t know it on a steady basis. So save time, and just take my word for it.)

    • It is such a roller coaster, thank you for this mindful reminder and for sharing your story. Also, most flattered. I may remind you, I’m just a reflection … Much love.

  9. Hi Kelsey,
    I enjoyed meeting you at the meditation group and reading your blog posts. Your prose poems are especially nice!

    • kelseyblackwell22@gmail.com

      January 26, 2016 at 12:05 pm

      Hi Joan! Just pulled out my notes with your blog info this morning! Thanks for giving mine a look. I believe you’re the first person in history to positively comment on my poetry. I’m blushing. Until soon …

  10. Thanks for the glimpse into your world. Love you, friend.

  11. Thanks to you, I now regularly dance freely around my house 🙂 It was a wonderfully crazy moment in time at dathun. Love to read your stories! Keep it up!

    • kelseyblackwell22@gmail.com

      February 2, 2016 at 10:16 am

      Hi Gayle! So lovely to hear from you! Yes, one super crazy moment that I believe I will carry for some time. Thank you for your warmth, kindness and those Hershey Kisses. Much love!

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