The Marvelous Crumb

Follow Joy. Find Belonging.

And then, there was 1

One hand in a sunset sky

Open to anything, waiting for nothing.

 

Our relationship lasted the length of my underarm hair
Cultivated at your request
A jungle of tangled velvet
Arms dancing proud and shy – A mark of belonging to
It felt so good to shave it yesterday
Clean, smooth, done

We traveled to Yosemite over Labor Day Weekend.

I was sure this trip would bring us one step closer to our shared dream: a home, a baby, Chinese takeout and a good movie on a Friday night.

I believed that our two unique strands of humanness would easily and naturally tie into a beautiful bow. And this bow would dangle in the sky over the city where we would begin together. A place where the rent is cheaper, the neighborhoods are more diverse and you could keep your job. It all made sense. I’d teach and write, you’d develop a side hustle, on the weekends we’d venture to new neighborhoods, check out the local markets – hands clasped, hearts synced, we’d feed each other new and exotic things: Gooseberries, spiced jerky, elderberry flower tincture. How perfect it would be.

Yet, in the park, among the monolithic granite and Ponderosa, I could not shake how impossible it felt to be considering leaving. The sky, shimmering alpine lakes, traveling clouds and nutmeg air, I knew it all so well. Things began to get hard for us.

We tried
We talked
We poked each other’s wounds

But under the Milky Way, Mars and Saturn, the stars reached down to confirm what I already knew. Their twinkling, piercing bodies fractured our bond as easily and painfully as plucked underarm air. It was not to be. Not now, not ever. It was the clarity I did not want.

I see how hard we worked for the possibility of creating together. How we considered, listened and empathized. We got vulnerable, jumped in with both feet but it was a river and not a tranquil pool. Together we would always be swimming up stream, and the life that we’d envisioned would feel difficult and forced. It was too fast, too overwhelming, too challenging. There was no room for joy.

So, I’m back to alone — regretfully but willingly.

And the possibility of never, finding my true love haunts me. I know what the wise people say – “You’re the one you’re waiting for. The void you feel will never be filled, it’s part of the human condition. When you stop looking, he appears.”

These things all may be true, but now I allow myself to simply be sad, lonely and a little disillusioned. I will come back to myself because I’m all I have. I will continue doing all the things that remind me that I’m it: Dancing to my own longing in the morning, writing, collecting fall leaves and eating late night pie. I know there is much good in this world, and I accept that maybe this life will be a solitary journey. And this, my friends, must be o.k. No more waiting, no more hoping, no more feeling like I’m being left behind. Just being.

Save

15 Comments

  1. Kelsey. I hope all is well with you. I told you when we met, you were my girlfriend anyway. What you doing cheating on me?

    Love,

    Justin
    301-821-1932

  2. <3 "I am the dragon breathing fire, Beautiful mane I'm the lion. " – Queen B

  3. Keep on just being Dancing Queen!

  4. Kelsey

    September 8, 2016 at 3:11 pm

    “Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.”
    ― Ann Landers

  5. U are amazing. I totes shared this. Miss u tons

    • Kelsey

      September 9, 2016 at 4:35 pm

      Thank you Maria for your love and support. I wish was had had more time to hang in Boulder, but I was still in the bud. I hope you feel my admiration for your being and work from afar. xoxo

  6. Everything begins and ends with 1. This speaks to my heart. Your eloquence soars and is far above the mundane. Keep doing EVERYTHING, exactly as only you~the 1 can! As others watch, marvel, and admire your hands are free to clasp and let free. I’m so pleased you know your worth & never settle for what is, WHEN you know what can be. I love you with every fiber as do many, one day 1 will know.
    Xxxooo Ma

    • Kelsey

      September 9, 2016 at 4:37 pm

      Thank you for being the kind of momma who supports and appreciates the power of an unattached woman. You are my role model. Sending love, flower-shaped beauty mark stamps and a glittery lip gloss kiss.

  7. Feeling my heart, yours….sad joy. I am so lucky to know you. Let’s get together soon!
    Love, love, love, hugs, hugs, hugs…..

    • Kelsey

      September 9, 2016 at 4:38 pm

      Love, love, love, hugs, hugs, hugs back to you! The good news is, I’m staying put, so we’ll have lots of time to get together. xoxox

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

*

© 2017 The Marvelous Crumb

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑