The Marvelous Crumb

Follow Joy. Find Belonging.

I’m done “should-ing” on myself

Stacks of should be read books.

Stacks of books on my summer reading list collect dust near my bedside night table.

Several weeks have passed without posting a blog.

My journal, a trusted resource for organizing, documenting and finding inspiration, has not received my thoughts since May 24th. I just re-read it:

“We danced together. We ate oysters. We went to a ballgame and he bought me a hat because my head was cold. We rode our bikes. We went wine tasting. He’s kind. He listens to me.”

 As you may perceive from that entry, I’ve been distracted.

And while I’m thoroughly delighting in the daydreaming, late night conversations, and vacation planning, balancing a burgeoning long-distance relationship does not come easily for this Libra. My personal list of “shoulds,” you know all things a responsible adult would find time for, keep piling up.

Things like:

Should be reading at least one book a month
Should better manage my time to allow for creative projects
Should work on the blog daily
Should eat more vegetables
Should add weight lifting to exercise routine
Should evaluate finances weekly
Should call sisters more often

….

Full disclosure, this list has existed in some form since I received my first school day planner while a freshman at Farmington Junior High. Go Huskies!

At that tender age, I was introduced to the subtle undertone of what has become a regular part of my daily existence. That is, because there is so much undone on my to-do, my life is completely out of whack and should be redesigned right away! Yes, I know this sounds silly when spelled out, but it often doesn’t feel that way.

Luckily though, the rose tint of falling in love is shading things in a new way. Could all that “should-ing” be distracting me from all the amazing that’s actually unfolding in real time? Though the disparaging thoughts about my seeming inability to keep up rage on, some older, wiser, kinder part of myself realizes that it’s all just fine. In fact, life is pretty great.

What would happen if I stopped “should-ing on myself?” If I allowed myself to be present, relax and simply enjoy …

Watching puffs from newly seeding plants float among the hills during my weekly hike.

Feeling freedom and speed as I scoot around Oakland in the summer sun.

Leaping, pounding, jumping and appreciating the solid earth that holds me as I dance.

Taking time every evening (and sometimes mornings and afternoons) to laugh, explore, ponder and debate with an old someone who just may be my special someone.

 

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4 Comments

  1. Reminds me – this post and the engagement ring one – of Aimless Love by Billy Collins. You’ve shared the amazing way in which loving a new/old human can remind us to love everything!

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