I have this dream of fully unraveling before my partner. In my mind, this man is unwavering and sturdy. When he says he’ll do something, it’s done. There’s a natural confidence about him that draws others in, and when you’re with him, the world becomes simple and magical. Together we explore and delight in the evening’s golden light, a perfect tomato and the warmth of each other’s presence as we walk side-by-side. We communicate deeply without the need for fickle words. Ours is a relationship built on trust and intuited feeling. This blend is the mortar that allows us to build a strong and light-filled home in which we can each place the things that scare us, make us feel ashamed, alone, unlovable and unforgiveable.
A rendition of Prince’s “I wanna be your lover” to a very select audience of strangers.
This week, I’ve had an aha moment sparked in large part by this article. After I read it, I immediately wondered, what would it be like to experience a date like this? To be courted by a man whose intentions were so crystal clear? Is such a thing even possible in this “wanna-hang-out” dating age? Would I even know what to do with such an advance?
And yet, as evidenced by many posts on this blog, and going back well before that to the unrequited love poems of my bucktoothed, blossom-hat-wearing youth, it occurs to me that I’ve long been waiting for someone to make me feel special like this. I’m not afraid to admit it.
Sometimes I cry when I write.
When the truth landed, it hit me with piercing agony like a dart in the spine. It said, “this relationship will end, that is all.”
The funny thing about truth is that it has a presence. It is a simple standing structure immovable and unapologetic. Once recognized it is the measure upon which all else can be weighed. I imagine it like a giant concrete wall dropping from the sky, –BOOM! – into a pristine lake. The size of the waves it creates and the quantity of the sludge stirred depends entirely on the fabrications your lake holds. When truth lands you have two options: A) What wall? Everything is fine here! Or, B) Oh, fuck!
I’ve decided to go with Option B – for better or for worse.
I gingerly stepped into OkCupid’s shooting range in my mid twenties.
In truth, I was looking for a distraction to get over my ex, and my profile, which included links like this, reflected my carefree dating approach.
I received 56 messages in just two weeks.
56 messages?! Awesome!
Sure, many of those messages ranged from the unintelligible, “Will you have some peanut butter sandwich after or before because I eat even a burger with roasted peanut butter?” to the sexually suggestive, “I wil love to b close and meet with you …” but for this gal (who never received an invitation to a high school dance) it was a boon. I was in demand … so I thought.