As I write this Nicki Minaj’s Feeling Myself is playing through my brainwaves.
I’ve been workin’ on my bounce friends.
It’s been the only way to be with all the ‘muchness’ this year has uncovered. My bounce is where I celebrate and where I lament. It is the place I come to drop out of my head and simply be in the moment, in the feeling.
There’s been a lot of that … feeling.
I’ve been touching my heart
The love that I want to allow in but am so afraid to trust
Noticing my tendency to pull away a breath too soon
Longing for the other to hold on tighter
Don’t let me ungrasp
Don’t let me shut down
Don’t let me tell you everything is fine
I’ve been offering an unwavering holding to myself. I’ve been moving in ways that feel wrong. Wrong because parts of me are jiggling I’ve been taught not to jiggle; because with each tentative floor slap I think, “Well, that probably looked stupid.” Wrong because it all feels so, so good. And when I feel that urge to shut down, pull away, heed the, I- should-not-be-doing-this call I ask, can I hang with it a little longer?
These little bits of limit pushing have begun to add up in indulgent and wonderful ways. As I’ve sought more “wrong” in my body, I’ve been surprised by how right it all feels. It’s as if I’ve unwittingly tapped some hidden super power to be with more of the wrong in my world: The backwards politics, the reactionary Facebook posts, the unfriendly passersby. After one of these jiggling sessions, I’m alive! unstoppable and generally quite pleased with myself.
This wisdom from my body has led me to ask, ‘is there some possibility that all this political, societal difficulty is really an opportunity for stepping into our collective bravery?” What might happen if we all stayed with the wrong, shameful, not o.k. a little longer? Could we hang with it without pushing it away, and is it possible that such an opening might uncover a whole lot of love that is also present? Love that we do deserve? Guess, what? This actually is happening people. I’m so encouraged.
Can we do this for ourselves? Can we do this for our world?