The Marvelous Crumb

Follow Joy. Find Belonging.

Why I’m shaving my head

Little seeds of knowing nestle in all of us.

We usually don’t know what they contain, and some of us don’t even know they are there. But they are. And when circumstances align one sprouts or, as is often the case, erupts catching us by surprise.

I experience this like a firework through my body, electric and alive.

The seed that brought me to the Bay Area made itself known as a champagne-feathered fantastic. It shot from my heart and dropped little beads of golden delight on my nose and eyelashes. The shimmering quality was apparent to all—even those I don’t particularly like.

After its illumination, I gave away most of my things and found myself sleeping on a friend’s couch in San Francisco while I hunted for a place to live in the more affordable East Bay. But, this is a blog for another day.

What I’d like to tell you about is a most recent eruption that occurred earlier this month. Lying in bed somewhere between awake and asleep, I began to feel the unmistakable spark. Then a green spring with exacting direction came forth from some hidden place. From nothing, there was suddenly something and not just any something, but a something true and irrefutable.

I knew in that moment it was time to shave my head. This will happen on Sunday.

As if the case with fireworks, the alchemy behind their sparkling assuredness is not immediately apparent to most. It’s only after setting forth in the suggested direction that one becomes intimate with their bigger picture view.

However, I’ve been contemplating. “Why?”

I believe this firework brings freedom–freedom to trust a deeper knowing self and to retire the girl who has been waiting.

Waiting …

To be whisked away to the life where dinners happen at dusk under twinkling lights with a cadre of accomplished artist friends.

To hear, “I chose you.”

To feel warm skin on warm skin lying side-by-side before lights out, she with The Sun and he with some other novel.

To put fingers in wet earth and lick rocks simply to feel the warm minerally taste on the tongue.

This firework is about trading a perceived outer fullness for an inner fullness that’s been whispering all along, “live fearlessly now.”

1 Comment

  1. So nice to read your voice. Good stuff!

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